SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like many of you, I have been betrayed by my husband, the one person in my life I was supposed to be able to trust and rely on. However, my story is a little different because it (supposedly) never got physical between the two of them.

I was obviously super upset at first and told a handful of close friends about it. While most were supportive, I did get some responses, like:

“Can you really end a 13 year relationship for that?”

“They didn’t have sex, so therefore, he didn’t cheat on you.”

And my personal favorite:

“You’re overreacting. Your husband should be allowed to have female friends.”

I can only imagine what my husband’s friends have told him when he talks about it with them, and I’m sure I don’t want to hear their responses.

I hate feeling belittled by the fact that I’m so hurt, even though my husband never chose to have sex with OW. I almost wish he had, just so there would be no confusion as to exactly how deep the betrayal goes.

For me, learning that my husband allowed himself to get so far in a secret relationship with another woman that he fell in love (and that he lied to my face about it and treated me like a paranoid moron) hurts just as much as a physical affair would have. In some ways, for me, I think it hurts more; although, having never been in that situation, I can’t say for sure.

I listened to a podcast the other day that was a counseling session between a couple that was dealing with infidelity. He had cheated throughout most of their 30-year marriage; though, it was about the sex and not emotional at all. When the therapist asked why she stayed, she said something along the lines of:

“If he had feelings for any of those women, I wouldn’t be here.”

That really struck home for me.

I guess the moral to this rant is: Betrayal is betrayal. It all sucks.

[This message edited by Joanna1013 at 1:23 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm also sorry your friends are being dismissive of the depth of your husband's betrayal and the hurt you have experienced (and continue to experience). I, myself, unfortuantely would not have been as sensitive to any of this as I am now had I not gone through it myself.

Your husband should be allowed to have female friends.

I hear this, and my internal monologue now responds with, "You're right, an adult man *should* be able to have female friends. Unfortunately, my husband has demonstrated that he is incapable of that."

Respond/don't respond. Your choice, but keep your head up high. YOU are not wrong. Your pain should not be minimized. This really frigging sucks.

If it makes you feel better (and it wont ). My own H's affair was mostly physical with emotional aspects. There were no "I love yous". He still continually lied to my face however, but I have often thought to myself, how grateful I am that the emotional aspect was not stronger. Again, I have no basis for comparison, but I think it would have hurt more.

First off it is not unusual at all...

It happens a lot and it hurts. All affairs hurt.

Not to burst your bubble but... How do you know it was just emotional? Is she 1000's of miles away and your husband has not traveled, and you know she did not travel to see him?

Is that why you think it is just emotional?

One of the tricks is you have to know what you are actually trying to get though in order to get through it.

All your friends are wrong by the way, they don't sound super self-aware or all that smart, no offense.

“Can you really end a 13 year relationship for that?”

“They didn’t have sex, so therefore, he didn’t cheat on you.”

“You’re overreacting. Your husband should be allowed to have female friends.”

1. Umm, you fuckin bet you can.

2. Sadly anyone who hasn't been through it just does NOT have an understanding of the damage it does to the BS. This would be along the lines of telling someone who's SO attempted suicide "Well they didn't die, so it's fine." Ummm, no. Kinda isn't all fine.

3. Overreacting would be lighting your H on fire, while laughing maniacally and crying at the same time. Being pissed and hurt and upset? Not so much. And yeah no - once someone has cheated, they are no longer allowed to have friends of the opposite sex so long as they are hoping to work things out. Just my 0.02.

My advice is to ignore stuff like this - if they are saying it, then they haven't experienced it. They might mean well and probably don't realize that comments like that are the complete opposite of helpful.

You can always find good support on SI though!

(((J1013)))

The people who say "it's just an emotional affair" do not know what they're talking about.

People suck, and the people who seem to only realize something is bad when they experience it themselves suck even more. I doubt any of those friends would say these things if it personally happened to them.

For goodness sake, for most of us, the whole point of dating is to start off emotionally connecting. I doubt they'd agree it's okay if you phrase it that he's dating other people.

WW likes to cite problems in our relationship the year or so before it turned physical. I keep having to tell her that I felt like she was emotionally cheating on me (and I remember bringing it up at the time). That led to two years of hell when they were physically cheating. And she was, otherwise the PA wouldn't have happened.

Emotional connections always lead to something.

Joanna1013, you should ignore the comments trying to dismiss your husband's actions. An emotional affair is just as significant as a physical one, if not worse. My wife was involved in at least 3 emotional affairs (that I'm aware of), and while they never got together in person, the depth of the relationships, particular in one instance, was more intimate than any physical relationship.

When I caught my wife the first time, after things had calmed down a bit, she opened up a bit and said that she was actually scared by her own actions because she starte developing feelings for this guy. She never told me the full extent of that, but I found out through an examination of her phone and the texts she was sending to a friend of hers that she was almost like an obsessed schoolgirl for this guy, and that she almost snapped when he cut off all communication after I discovered the relationship.

That was 2+ years ago. Since then, I discovered that there were 2 other guys she was carrying on with at the same time. Since then I have kept very close tabs on her online behavior, and who she's talking to. I still don't trust her, and suspect she's just gotten better at covering her tracks.

Emotional affairs suck. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thank you all for your responses!

Emergent8,

My own H's affair was mostly physical with emotional aspects. There were no "I love yous". He still continually lied to my face however, but I have often thought to myself, how grateful I am that the emotional aspect was not stronger. Again, I have no basis for comparison, but I think it would have hurt more.

Lol not sure if this makes me feel better or worse, but it at least helps to validate my feelings, so thank you.

BluesPower,

How do you know it was just emotional? Is she 1000's of miles away and your husband has not traveled, and you know she did not travel to see him?

Nope, they had the opportunity, means, and motive, as they hung out in person on their own and were out most nights while it was happening, so I definitely don’t know for sure that it was never physical.

However, he swears it never got physical (his word doesn’t mean much anymore, though). Also, the affair came to light only after OW’s husband found her diary, which detailed the emotional affair and the fact that they thought were in love but didn’t say anything about a physical affair. I have also been able to snoop (without him knowing) on a few of the conversations he’s had with friends about the subject, and he always describes it as being emotional but never physical.

Of course, she could have been in denial in her journal, her husband could have been in denial about what he read in her journal, and my husband could be in denial, even to his friends. At this point, I feel like I have no choice but to believe him — that, or choose to believe he’s lying, in which case, I’d be done. I wish there was some way to know for sure either way, but there isn't. All I have is their word.

All your friends are wrong by the way, they don't sound super self-aware or all that smart, no offense.

I think the problem is less that they’re not smart and more that they’re ignorant, insensitive, and lack the empathy to be able to put themselves in my situation, which doesn't exactly say much for the kind of friends they are.

EllieKMAS,

My advice is to ignore stuff like this - if they are saying it, then they haven't experienced it. They might mean well and probably don't realize that comments like that are the complete opposite of helpful.

That’s good advice, and I think you’re right on the money about their ignorance.

ShatteredSakura,

People suck, and the people who seem to only realize something is bad when they experience it themselves suck even more. I doubt any of those friends would say these things if it personally happened to them.

Yep, pretty much.

Emotional connections always lead to something.

This is exactly where the danger comes in the “just emotional affair” mentality. It’s also a mistake to ignore the underlying sexual tension and the inevitable fantasies that come with being “in love” with someone you can’t have.

In Esther Perel’s book A State of Affair, she talks about how the idea of sex with an AP can be even better than the reality of it, which is why she hates the term “emotional affair.”

So, while my husband may not have physically had sex with her, his fantasty life was certainly active.

Fbtjax,

Emotional affairs suck. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Yes! Thank you! I’m sorry to hear about your situation!

I also just wanted to clarify that I’m not trying to undermine people whose spouses had emotionless physical affairs. If I was going through that, I know it would open up a whole other can of worms for me, like:

“Does my husband really value sex so little that he’ll have it with just anyone?”

As it stands now, though, I have the same question about how much he values love.

I am the WS, I hope it's okay to respond.

To me, and this is limited just to my experience and by being on this site and talking to I am guessing hundreds of other WS's over the last few years - an emotional affair is one that has not had an opportunity or escalated enough to turn physical, and it seems that the timing of discovery is often the preventer.

The flawed character of the WS and what needs to change is every bit the same. Your husband needs to dig on his whys, figure out how he was able to do this, and what he is going to do to shore those things up to be a safe partner for you again.

The worst infidelity is the one we personally experience, do not let other people minimize this for you.

You could have him take a polygraph. Then you would know if it was physical.

This one stings for me, Most of my wife’s shit was EA’s with guys very far away. When I read the messages she had told this particular guy she loved him. Sent him plenty of nudes, and fell head over heals.

After Dday I tried to find this guy, he doesn’t exist other than a fake persona he made up online. He was some dirty old man in a basement using others photos. He would never talk or FaceTime on the phone with her. My Wife was crazy about him and spent so much time and energy messaging him, right under my nose.

Emotional Affairs are a big deal and for someone not going through it has no idea.

Hikingout,

I always value the opinion of WSs. My own didn’t get it for a long time, and I still don’t think he really does, so it’s nice to have input from someone who’s been there.

And I agree, if they hadn’t been caught, I think the affair definitely would have made a turn for the physical. Maybe a better term for an emotional affair is a “pre-physical affair.” That seems a more accurate description.

HellFire,

You could have him take a polygraph. Then you would know if it was physical.

I have quite a few doubts about how accurate a polygraph would even be. From what I’ve read, if you’re nervous enough going into it, even honest people can look like liars. I’ve also read that they can cost between $200 and $800, which isn’t exactly cheap.

That seems like an excessive cost for something that won’t even guarantee the truth.

However, maybe the simple act of asking him to take one would be enough to wake up and smell the roses (that is, if he’s not currently being honest as it is).

Also, stupidly, I believe him. I know, I know, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” For all of the trust that I’ve lost, I have no idea why I would believe anything he says, let alone this. I just do.

Tanner,

Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s always good to know that I have good company in having my world torn apart by “just” an emotional affair. And, I agree, I think if my supposed friends were in my shoes, they wouldn’t be belittling my experience. Maybe it’s something you can’t really understand unless you’ve been through it.

Many here have had their WS take a polygraph.

I honestly don't think a WS's reaction to being asked to take a polygraph,has any value. Most will say yes, because if they say no right off the bat, it's obvious they're still lying.

A reputable administrator can decipher the different between a nervous response, and a deceptive response.

Even an honest person is nervous before a polygraph.

You are basing a lot of your belief on her journal. It wouldn't be the first time that a BS withheld major information from the OBS, in effort to keep the AP away from their WS. It's possible the OBS told your husband to stay away,or he would give you the entire truth.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:57 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Cut every single one of those "friendd" loose. If your H isn't 100% remorseful and giving it 100% everything he's got to fix himself, get rid of his ass too.

Just because he allegedly didn't get his dick wet this time doesn't mean it won't happen next time if he doesnt get his head out of his ass and fix his shit ASAP. So you have ever reason to feel the way you do. I'm sorry you're here and found it necessary to get support because your husband cheated. And yes, he did cheat.

It was “just” an emotional affair.

I've found the word "just" is inappropriately used 95% of the times when describing ANYTHING infidelity related, as 100% of the time it's for purposes of minimizing.

Joanna

Be very careful with him saying it just an emotional affair.

How long did this go on for? You said they were alone and spent evenings together.

If it sounds to good to be true it probably is!!!

Go get STD tested and demand he get tested as well. If he starts to balk beware!!!! Also get him to do a polygraph.

My fWH had 3 EAs 1 was also physical but I found out months later through my own detective work. Receipts etc.

I had suspicions on the other EAs but I had rugswept them.

After finding out the third EA was a PA I asked for a polygraph

As I suspected it showed he was lying.

So trust your instincts and don’t let this slide even if it an EA.

They get off the hook too easily

I know it’s foolish to believe him. After all, he lied to me over and over again about who she was to him and what was really going on. And he only admitted the truth after she called and told him she couldn’t talk to him or see him anymore because her husband found her journal. He actually cried to me about losing a friend before I dragged the truth out of him.

And then he lied about not remembering the answers to any of my questions for at least a month after D-day. He lied about what he told her (suddenly, he claims to have never told her he loved her but the he “could have” loved her even though the journal said they thought they were in love and he admitted as much on d-day). So yeah, he’s proven multiple times than he’s not opposed to lying to me.

Edit to add:

He also deleted all of her text messages and threw away his journal after I asked to see them to support his story. He said he deleted her texts right after d-day (sure...), and that he thought the journal would be too upsetting. He did tell me (supposedly) what was in the journal, which was mostly song lyrics, and offered to let me hear the song he recorded from some of those lyrics.

It all feels pretty fucking fishy that he would delete her texts and throw away that journal though. A few weeks after d-day, I was out of town, and I called him and yelled at him because I saw that he was still following her on Instagram. He claims he didn't even think about it, but yet, I'm supposed to believe that the texts were gone long before I asked to see them...right.

I don’t think I’m going to do a polygraph though. I’m still not convinced at how effective they are, and it just feels like asking for it would be the nail in the coffin of my marriage. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, and I don’t really know why it feels like that, but it does. It’s also expensive, and I’d rather save my money to move so that we don’t have to run into OW and her husband ever again.

The one thing I can say is that he’s stuck with the emotional affair story consistently since D-day, even if details have changed. And he’s stuck with it in conversations with friends he didn’t know I was reading, which is more believable to me than what he tells me at this point.

I’m starting IC next week. Maybe I’ll ask her advice about whether or not to ask for a polygraph/how to ask.

[This message edited by Joanna1013 at 11:35 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]

They were together often and alone during the affair. They said they were in love. Hmm. I’d say it’s 99.99% chance it was physical. Adults, in “love” and in a hot secret relationship do have sex. I’m sorry. Cheaters also minimize and lie. He could be lying to protect her. My ex WH also insists they never got physical. They were just really good friends who sexted each other. They went to hotel rooms, just to talk as friends. They went to dark parking lots and sat in the back seat together, just to talk. Your WH is only telling you the minimum. That said, your friends are wrong. Yes, to me the worst part of WHs A was not the sex. It was the emotional part- sharing our family stories with her, telling personal things about our M (much of it lies to make me sound bad and make her sound hot). It’s all Lies. I’m sorry he chose to do this to you.

sorry double post

[This message edited by staystrong101 at 5:51 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

My wife told me for 13 months that it was just talking and "jokes" about helping each other out. As it turned out it was far more than talking. Dont believe a word of it. I didnt get the truth until I threatened her with a polygraph. And she swore on everything under the sun she was telling me the truth before that including our children. Cheaters lie that is something we can all agree on.

Best of luck to you this journey fucking sucks.

You know what I hate most about people who don't get it? Many seem to think of the breakup after the infidelity is no different than a regular breakup. I read that from people's stories here all the time. Ive see it with WW's friends and family first hand. It's been treated like I was just the latest boyfriend she broke up with. As if I or our years together didnt matter. People feel bad but say she'll move on and be happier and it'll work out for the best. "These things happen". All the while welcoming her and her AP as a new lovely couple.

It was a LTA, it was the worst kind of abuse. There was intense trauma, which I'm going to carry scars of for years to come. Emotional affairs are abuse too. They would not be saying that for other more obvious forms of abuse. I would have been fortunate if it was just a mere breakup.